I truly love my job.  I go into work, and the day just flys by.  I’ve put in 12-14 hour days and it seems like half a day.  I’m ‘expected’ to put in 8 hour days but I just can’t seem to make myself leave.  I’m learning so much.

It’s going to be sad for me when I have to take time off to study for the bar exam.  But I know the owner of the firm is going to make me take the entire time off when I start barbri.  My job at that point will be passing the bar exam.  That is not until late December.

I’ve been seeing a great guy for a little bit now, and things are going very well with him.  He is very laid back and relaxed, yet has a good level of ambition and drive.  I’ll call him when I leave work around 9 or 10 and he’s not at all suprised that I was at the office that late, and doesn’t mind.  He (and the office manager) get concerned that all I do is work all week; they both think I need to relax a bit more.  Relaxing is what weekends are for!

I live in Troy during the work week.  I’m home on the weekends.  Jason often comes to visit me during the week on his day off, so I do make sure I leave at 5 on those days.  He and I have so much fun together.  We laugh at the silliest things, and just really enjoy being around each other.  I do miss him terribly when I’m gone during the week.  On the weekends we catch up, hang out with our friends together, and watch our favorite shows that he recorded through the previous week.

All in all, life is very good!

is in 15 days!   WooHoo!

I am excited about it.  I’m just about done.   Done except for the act of walking at the ceremony and getting my diploma.

The crazy thing?  I keep forgetting about it.  I’m at work 4-5 days a week, and putting in many hours.  I love what I’m doing, what I’m learning, and I keep forgetting that I’m actually DONE with school.

The firm I work for is going to allow me to take all the time off I need when I start to prepare for the bar exam.  I take the bar in February.  I will officially be an attorney by April or May!

And I have a job!  That is amazing in and of itself.  I know of many people who have already graduated, taken the bar, and even passed the bar that cannot get a job in Michigan.  My job when I pass the bar is not in Michigan, but it is in Michigan until then.

The firm I work for is opening another office in Florida.  A couple of months ago I was asked if I would want to go down there and open the office.  It will be me and the current office manager.  He will be down there with me for at least the first year or so.

Right now I’m learning all I can.  I’m in court several times a week, I work on many different cases, and do alot of research.  Thats one thing I didn’t realize is that there is research to do for almost any case.

Perfect example is a case I just started this past week.  It was a VAWA case (Violence Against Women Act), and I was told it was a VAWA case.  I started work on it.  At first glance, it was a perfect fit for the client to adjust status under this statute.  But, not so much.  There was one requirement of the statute that she didn’t meet.  I figured that had to be some way for her to adjust under another law.  More research (I had to figure out what the heck VAWA even was before I started to see what to do for her).  Then I came upon an U visa.  I needed to figure out what that was- I had never heard of it- and see if it could apply to her.  It did, somewhat.  I can make it apply through children, then she would be a derivative of the child’s application, as well as the child’s siblings.

Being able to figure out how to help someone in this way makes it all worth it.  I really do love what I do.  I actually enjoy going to work every morning- even when its at 7 a.m.

I made a decision about the job offer.  I made the decision several days ago.  I’m taking it.  I’m quite excited about it, and I know its the right decision.  I start working in the Troy office the 3rd week in August.  From there, I take the bar in a different state- NO WINTER!!!- and will be opening an office for the firm in that state.

I’m not ready to say where that it.  I still haven’t told the kids.  I’m looking forward to it, and they will eventually love it too.

Today is my birthday.  It should be just another day.  Except, its not.  I’m so depressed about getting so old that it’s frustrating.  I’m not sure what to do about it.  I have a great boyfriend that just listens to me, and is there for me.  I’ve changed plans on him twice today, and he is great about it.  Whatever I want, is what he wants to give me.  I want to lay in his arms and cry.

I started to feel depressed about it earlier this week, but it would come and go.  I was doing ok earlier today.  I was planning on going out with my sisters, boyfriend was going to meet us when he was out of work, and we were going to have a fun time.  Then,  I went to dinner with my kids, sisters, and nieces.  I ran into a girl I went to highschool with.  She is 36 also.  Same age as myself.  Except- SHES A GRANDMA.  Yes.  G.R.A.N.D.M.A.  I’m old enough to be a grandma.  I know a 36 year old GRANDMA.   That completely flips me the fuck out.

I call the bf at work, ask if he minds if we change plans yet again.  He doesn’t mind.  He had also arranged to get out of work a bit early to surprise me.  I just want to lay on the couch, put in a dvd, have a glass of wine, and cry.  I guess the bright side is that I’m comfortable telling him all this, and more, and he just wants to be there for me.  I’m very blessed.

Yet, I know a GRANDMA that is my age.  I’m not ready to be old yet.  I really need to figure out how to work through this, and move on.  This really sucks.

So, yeah.  The dream journal thing?  Didn’t work out so well.  I’m just not very diligent about writing down my dreams, or typing them out here.

I have several things going on in my mind and I just need to get organize my thoughts on some things, get them out, and then make decisions.  Some decisions are not very time sensitive, but one decision is.  I’m not going to go into too much detail, but I do need to figure out how to figure it out.

I’ve been doing my externship this summer, and I love it!  L.O.V.E.  I.T.  I love the work, the subject matter, and I really enjoy the people I work with.  Its a small office, but very nice.  I’m not sure ‘nice’ is the correct term.  I’m not sure what term describes it.  It’s ‘nice’ as in decor and such, but that’s not how I mean ‘nice’ in the proceeding statement.  The feeling of the office is ‘nice’.  ‘Nice’, is not necessarily an adequate term.  The office is warm, content, fun, serious, cozy, comforting, welcoming, relaxed, laid-back, hard-working, supportive, and probably so many other things that would take up way too much space, and put anyone reading this to sleep.   I truly enjoy the people I work with, or for.  One attorney owns the firm, and there is one other attorney in the office.  The other attorney also went to my law school.  There is the office manager, and secretary.  But, its like a big family.  We talk, we bounce ideas off each other, the owner and other attorney are always willing to answer questions I have, and they ask me my opinions on issues they work on.

I’m done with my externship mid-August.  I’m done with my one and only class mid-August.  I take the bar in February.  I’ve had a bit of anxiety over finding a job.  I am aware of many people that have not been able to get a job in Michigan.  Several that have taken the Michigan bar, only to not find a job here.  I know a couple of people that took the Michigan bar, couldn’t find a job, started looking out of state, and had to take another state bar.  So, do I take the Michigan bar or another bar?  That question may seem a bit odd, especially since I haven’t actually looked for a job in Michigan, or elsewhere.

The dilemma comes in here:  I have a job opportunity.  A very good one.  A once in a lifetime opportunity.  I would be in another state- a state that does NOT have SNOW- and I would be the only attorney in the office.  I’d have an office manager that knows everything that I’d need to know.  My bar expenses for that state will be paid.  The first time it was discussed with me, I was so excited and happy I couldn’t believe it.  I was all- Oh Hell Yeah!.  Now, after it’s had a chance to sink in for a few weeks, I’m unsure.  I’m nervous.  I’ll need to go to court to have to kids be able to move that far from their dad.  That part was part of my big issue with taking this, but not so much anymore.  I have an attorney who will take care of that for me, if it’s what I choose.   Chances are very good that the kids would be able to go.   I’m a bit anxious about making this decision.  There are so very many positives, and very few negatives.  I need to register for this particular states’ bar exam fairly soon.  After I register for this bar exam, I’m locked in.  It’s fairly expensive just to register for this states’ bar, and after money is paid I’m not changing my mind based on my own anxiety.  Of course, anything can happen that I would be required to not go, but I can’t think of anything at this point that would make that happen.  I’m just aware that things happen that are beyond my control that would/may change things.  I know several people that live in the particular city I’ll be in, and I also know of a couple of people that live in the state that went to law school with me.  They don’t live an unreasonable distance away of where I’ll be, and seeing them would be very nice.

So, what do I do?    I need to figure it out very soon.

It has been said that it would serve me well to keep a dream journal.  Well, I’m completely not into that.  I’ll never do it.  It would sit next to my bed collecting dust. So, I’m going to try a ‘dream blog’.  I’m sure I’ll be just as diligent with this as I would a dream journal.

It starts out with me in a not so great neighborhood.  Not a bad one, just not so great.  I’m walking around, going no where in particular.  Then I realize I have to be somewhere.  I’m very upset that I’m not going to make it on time.

Oddly, I have 3 vases to clean out.  So, as I’m concerned about not being on time, I have to clean out these 3 vases.  They are glass, and big.  Wide opening at the top.  They had Stargazer Lillies in them.  (which is my favorite flower).  There were just pieces of some petals in the vases, not any dead flowers.

So, I proceeded to clean out the vases, in the middle of the street.  I was filling them up with water, and then dumping the water down the street, which happened to be a hill.  All this time I’m full of anxiety because I have to hurry.

Somehow, there is a train.  I have to get the vases on the train.  (I know, weird!)  There are two guys near the door of the train.  They tell me to throw them the vases, one at a time, and they’ll get them on the train for me.  So I do.  Then one was not caught, and it somehow bounced back to me, landed in the street, but didn’t break.  It was amazing it didn’t break.  (then, there was no more train/vase issue)

When it didn’t break, I realized that the street was now made of ice and snow.  (end of vase-it just disappeared) It was a big hill.  There was another person with me.  Someone I didn’t know.  Male.  He was wearing things you would wear skiing.  Snow pants, ski jacket, sunglasses, hat, gloves.  Then, I realized I was wearing similar clothing.

Then, he jumped and started sliding down the street, as if on a toboggan, but not on anything.  Just his body going down the hilly street.  Then, the street became much much longer and more hilly.  I followed, and started sledding down the hill also.  It was so much fun.  I didn’t want it to end.  The hills and speed were exhilarating.   We seemed to go down this hilly street for hours.  It would would turn into different streets, and the snow and ice was spectacular.  I had nothing but freedom all around me.  Like a bird in the sky.  I could go anywhere.

Then, I was back home.  It was the house I live at now, just a bit different.  The layout was a little different, and it was just me and the boys.  I was home, the boys were not home.  They were playing somewhere outside.  I needed to make them dinner.  I found some pasta salad in the refrigerator and some steaks.  That was dinner.

Apparently, I had my own business out of my house. I didn’t know this until someone came in for my services.  I became aware that I had a home office when this person came in.  I just ‘knew’ he was a client.  Apparently, I had an advertising agency.  He sat down, I got him some coffee with cream.

The only thing that went through my mind from when he walked in and until I woke up was the fact that he was absolutely hot.  Male underwear model hot.   Unbelievably good looking man.  Jaw dropping hot.

I found out he was Spanish, from Spain.  That totally explained the dark features and olive skin.

Then I woke up.

The past few weeks have been a bit strange.  I’ve learned a few things about myself and about someone else.  Rather, several other people in my life.

There was a person that didn’t really want the same things I did.  That’s ok.  Not a big deal.  Then, after not seeing each other for awhile, things change.  I was very surprised and just how much  of a change.  The one change wasn’t so unexpected.    I’m not sure anyone thinks or wants marriage after a recent divorce.  It took me several years to want that again.  I even go back and fourth on it now.  Do I?  Don’t I?  Who cares?  If it happens, I’ll decide.  Either way, if it were to be with me, his attitude toward a permanent commitment has changed a bit.

The thing that really surprised me, and still surprises me is something that some may consider very silly.   He did not, in any way, want a dog.  Especially the breed of dog I want.  I even had an alternate breed I would like.  No way, no how would he ever have either one.

Then I recently have a phone conversation with him.  Someone has been doing research on dogs.  Dogs of a particular breed.  The breed I want, and will have someday.  (yes, I was not going to waiver on this.  Sadly, the dog issue is a deal-breaker for me).  He is well aware of how I felt about it.  We had many conversations, bordering on arguments, regarding dogs.   (yes, I am aware that this seems so very silly but its important to me).   We didn’t try to change each others minds, just educate each other on the pro’s of our position and the holes in each others con’s.

Anyway, if I were to ever choose to be with him, I can have the dog I want.

If he can compromise with a dog, shouldn’t I be able to compromise about kids?

Either way, its not a decision I have to make.  We’re friends, we will continue to be regardless of what ever else happens.  We have dated, and it wasn’t bad.  I never thought he was anything less than a great guy.

I just wanted a dog, and no more kids.

I stumbled across this while not doing what I’m supposed to be doing.  It’s fantastic!   You’ll get a laugh out of it.  Especially if your not married.

There is nothing quite like confusion.  I think I’m sure of something, then I realize I’m not really sure about it at all.  Why is that?  Why do I even bother?  It’s not something that I have to be confused about.  I can choose to just end the confusion.  I’m not sure if that is really what I want.

Oddly, some decisions, decisions that are much more life changing, I have less confusion.  Go figure.  Yet, I’m not sure the confusion is entirely mine.  I think I just need to make my mind up about this, and move on.  If the situation was right, I wouldn’t be confused.  I think.

Actually, I don’t think I’m confused.  I think I know what the right decision is and just don’t want to deal with it.  The sooner I deal with it, the sooner the confusion subsides.

I know what I need to do.  I really need to finish this school stuff.  But, I really want to read my book.

Why do humans make this life so complex?  I was reading a blog by someone I know and it really hit me hard; went right to my soul.  This is an offshoot of his blog entry.  Similar, but not the same.

It made me start thinking about love and what it means to me.  Why certain love I tend to push away.  There are many different types of love.  Love for a parent, a child, a pet.  Romantic love.

From Wikipedia:

As an abstract concept love usually refers to a strong, ineffable feeling towards for another person. Even this limited conception of love, however, encompasses a wealth of different feelings, from the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love to the nonsexual. Love in its various forms acts as a major facilitator of interpersonal relationships and, owing to its central psychological importance, is one of the most common themes in the creative arts.

I’m not sure I’ve ever truly loved another human being except for my 2 children.  I would do anything for them, give my life for them.  Protect them in anyway that they need.

This does not mean I haven’t felt ‘love’ for another.  I have.  But the question remains:  what does it mean to truly love another?

And if you never take the chance of letting that person in you’ll miss out on what can be one of the best experiences of your life.  Why do we sometimes not let other in?  What is there to be afraid of?  Hurt?  Disappointment?  Are we not going to have that in our lives anyway?

Why is it so difficult for some to let others into our most private self?  The part of ourself we would only share with the person we fully trusted.  Perhaps we thought we loved once and were hurt so terribly that we feel its not worth the consequences?  For all of us that put up the wall, there are as many reasons for the wall.

I know for me, I have a line.  Get too close to the line and I shut down.  A certain person has been past that line and it’s scary as fuck.  Am I still alive for allowing him past the line?  Yes.  Am I letting him get closer and closer?  Yes.  I am choosing to do this and its not easy.  Have I been hurt?  Not yet.

As I write this, I realize I wrote ‘not yet’.  I ponder why ‘yet’ came out.  Why not ‘no’.  As of now, I haven’t really been hurt.  So why not a simple ‘no’?  Do I just assume I’ll eventually be hurt?  Will I hurt him?  Does it matter?

Why not just let it happen, let go, and take the chance?  Isn’t that what loving is about?  The unknown, showing love to others and receiving it in turn?  Moving the ‘do not cross line’ farther and farther away with each measure of trust that is built; letting another further and further into our souls.

Sounds good on paper.  I’m sure I’ll just keep figuring it out as I go along.  Hopefully, some day, I will choose to take more of a chance and experience something more wonderful than I ever have before.